Tuesday, November 5, 2013


Some days are better than others. Some days I wish I didn't have to get out of bed. And to be honest the only reason I do is because I have 5 children depending on me. I have no choice. I must get up. I must soldier on. I am still a mom, I still have to get the kids to school, make breakfast, play barbies, do laundry, dishes, bathrooms, dinner, shopping. It didn't stop because my babies died. The world just kept on moving. I however have felt like I have been left behind a little. I know I have only been half attentive to the important things and even less to the not so important stuff. I cope with life sometimes by tuning it out. By not paying attention to what's happening around me. That is how it is now November and the last 3 months are a complete blur.
Sure I remember some things. I remember burring my daughters. I remember having a birthday party for Aden. I remember taking Haleigh to Birmingham, and doing her fills. But ask me what my kids are learning in school or what projects we have done. Ask me how they picked their Halloween outfits. Ask me when we got them. Ask me about day to day happenings and I can tell you I don't remember a lot if it. I just can't seem to remember a whole lot. 
I looked at Haleigh tonight watching Toy Story 3 and I thought... When did she get to almost 5 years old? I missed all of her 4th year. I was and still am grieving, most of the last year is just a blur of sadness and pain. 
Come on 2014 what Cha got for me? 2012 and 2013 were hell! Give me a brake 2014, make it a good year. A year to remember.   

1 comment:

  1. I love reading your blog, I love that I know there are other mums thinking and feeling what I feel. I know what you mean about getting up, I get up every morning but I dont achieve much, I sit at home and pass the time. Todays is 3 months since Lily died and I look and think where has the time gone. I cant remember much of what has gone on, I cant tell you what I have done for most days. I look to 2014 with both anticipation and sadness, I want to start a new year but to leave 2013, the year I concieved and lost my baby will be bittersweet.

    Sending you love

    Kate xxx