Friday, November 8, 2013

Today I'm sad

Today has been a bad day.

What happened? 

Some days are just bad. I woke up with an ache in my heart. My chest aches. Today is my 1st born sons 13th birthday. I love him so much. I tried to say to myself that it was him getting older that was tugging at my heart today, but I think that just magnified it for me. Soon Collin will be going out with friends and dating then driving. All the things Madalyn is doing. They are growing into awesome young people. 

I then took a trip to Walmart. See while Collins birthday is today we are having his party on the 17th. Because his sister is turning 5 on Sunday and we will celebrate her birthday this week. Collin wants his own day and that is ok with us. So I went to get her gifts and while doing so I was by the baby walking toys and it hit me. 

There is another birthday coming. A birthday that there will be only flowers and balloons to buy. No walking toys, no favorite cartoon cake. 

I held it together in Walmart. Not so much in the car. My arms ache to hold Joshua, just for a minute I just want to cuddle my baby, hold him next to my skin one more time. 

How am I going to make it through his birthday? 

Some people do special things on their babies birthdays. A balloon release or something. But honestly I will be lucky to make it out of bed that day. 

My heart is heavy, my arms are aching. 

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