Sunday, November 24, 2013

Life's complications

I have been on edge all day. Woke up with bad nerves. Nothing happened, just on edge all day. It was obvious that I was at some braking point. Nothing triggered it, just sometimes I have off days. Days where everything I see makes me wanna scream. Days when everyone smiling and being fake happy is too much and I just want to hide away under the covers forever. That was my day today. It's been a while since I had one on the weekend. On the weekdays it's easy to hide. No one is here with me except Haleigh and she doesn't care if I am in my pjs all day and lay on the couch until 2pm. I think she prefers those days sometimes. I so as well.

I know other people hurt and I know other people have lost babies and they hurt like I do. Support groups have proved thay point to me. But when I hear people complain about the bad year they have had. I want to scream "You have no clue what a bad year is" so you lost some income.... My children died. So you are in debt more than ever..... my children died. So you have the flu..... My children died. So you got a divorce..... My children died. 

Yeah yeah I know it's not fair. I shouldn't compare those things I really shouldn't. I have complained about those things before, in years past. Not enough sleep. No time alone. Having the flu. 

I really do understand that whatever you are going through right now is big for you in your life. 

Everything for me just is smaller. I'm not worried about Christmas, it will get done. When Haleigh had surgery my biggest fear was her dying. And as everyone know that's always a risk when anyone ever has surgery. Anyother complication we have been or could be faced with seems small compared to death. 

That's a sad way to think isn't it. 

Hey as long as no one died it's fine. 

Thats however where my brain is today. Your alive stop complaining. 

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