I wondered as I put my children in bed last night if I would always have that cloud that hung over me tonight. If I would always be sad about what could have been with my children in heaven if they would have stayed here on earth with me. Will I ever truely enjoy a holiday again? I can't answer any of those right now, but I have hope that one day I will enjoy the things I use to enjoy. That even though I will always think of them that the pain will not be as intense as it is now. That I won't have to smile through it, instead I can smile because if it.
Until then though I will not let my children know how sad I was and will be. Especially with Christmas coming. They deserve a happy mother, who bakes cookies with them and sings frosty the snow man with a smile. And that's what I am going to do for them. But Joshua, Faith and Hope will always be there in my thoughts and in my heart. I will always wish they were here. I will always wish things were different.