Happy Halloween

Yesterday was Halloween. I had a headache for the early part of the day. I believe it was allergies and over tiredness. I cooked dinner. Chicken n Rice. A favorite for my kids, (however it took me months to make it after I had Joshua. It's what I cooked the night my water broke with him. ) I then got them ready to go to the church fall festival and to trick or treat. While getting Haleigh in her pink bat girl costume. I began to think of Joshua. It should have been his first Halloween. I should be getting him dressed and needing a stroller. I should also be so big and pregnant with twins that I would need to drive and not walk a lot. But that was not what happened. I got my kids ready, pushed the thoughts of my lost little ones aside put a smile on my face and had a Happy Halloween.

I wondered as I put my children in bed last night if I would always have that cloud that hung over me tonight. If I would always be sad about what could have been with my children in heaven if they would have stayed here on earth with me. Will I ever truely enjoy a holiday again? I can't answer any of those right now, but I have hope that one day I will enjoy the things I use to enjoy. That even though I will always think of them that the pain will not be as intense as it is now. That I won't have to smile through it, instead I can smile because if it. 

Until then though I will not let my children know how sad I was and will be. Especially with Christmas coming. They deserve a happy mother, who bakes cookies with them and sings frosty the snow man with a smile. And that's what I am going to do for them. But Joshua, Faith and Hope will always be there in my thoughts and in my heart. I will always wish they were here. I will always wish things were different.