Wednesday, October 23, 2013


I often find beauty in the strangest spots. Spots that if others would look they would see beauty as well. And maybe some do.

I love to sit at the cemetery. It's beautiful out there. With all the different flowers all in perfect rows. It's a calming site to me. It's the most peaceful place I've even been. I like to go alone and just listen to the silence. That is a beautiful sound. 

I love to see children smile when they don't know your looking. The looks on their faces when they are truly happy about something. I think that's beautiful. Just their smile. 

I believe all my children were beautiful from the moment of conception. They were my babies long before they were born. Weeks before I even knew they were forming. They were there and they were beautiful. They still are the most beautiful beings I have ever seen. All 8 of them gifts straight from God to me. 3 of then I had to give back way before I was ready. I realize none of my children are mine to keep. I'm suppose to raise them for the kingdom of God and they are his in every way. I am just responsible of them for a short time. I wish my time with Joshua, Faith and Hope was longer. I wish I had time to see them grow into beautiful young people. Instead they will always be my beautiful forever babies. I know they are beautifully fully formed and with Jesus, but I selfishly wish they were here with me. 

The closer I get to Joshua's birthday and the girls due date I get sadder. Is that a word? Maybe it's more sad? Anyway i get sad. I wonder if December will always bring such sadness with it. 

I feel like Christmas will never be the same. I don't want to celebrate. I don't feel like doing Halloween next week. I don't want thanksgiving to come. Last year I was happy on Halloween. Last year I had a baby on the way at thanksgiving. It was all gone before Christmas. 

I will act happy even if I'm not. I will not ruin my children's idea of Christmas. They will have a happy Halloween. They will have a great family thanksgiving. They will have a very merry Christmas. We will decorate with a smile. I will take them to see Santa. And I will do it with a smile, because I am their mother. Just remember that even though I will be posting happy family pictures this season , I am still hurting. I am still grieving. I am still missing apart of my family. 

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