Sunday, October 20, 2013

Today I won

Today I hit off on my alarm instead of snooze. That lead me to getting up only 45 minutes before we needed to leave for church. Jason had to work so I had to get myself and 5 children fed and ready. I thought about going back to sleep. That was the devil and I knew it.

I got up. 
The kids whined. 
I fed them and washed my hair. 
I fixed coffee and it got cold before I could drink it. 
I thought of going back to bed. 
I couldn't find my shirt. 
I couldn't find Landon's socks. 
I couldn't find Haleigh's shoes.
I thought about going to bed. 
I had to pick me a new shirt.
I had to change Haleigh's dress.
I thought about going back to bed 
I couldn't find my Sunday school book. 
I left with out my book. With out drinking my coffee. With half my make up on and carrying my shoes. While thinking I should have stayed in bed. 
I was late for Sunday school. 
Landon was bouncing through the worship songs. I thought wow I should have stayed in bed. Our pastor was on vacation and I didn't know who was filling in. Oh boy! I should have stayed in bed!! 

Then the kids left. We prayed. Our youth pastor took the stage. He said "I'm going to preach a sermon mostly reserved for funerals" I almost choked on my finally hot cup of coffee. 

I thought to myself. Oh no. Please don't tell me "it's ok" please don't tell me how to grieve. Please don't say "everything will be fine". I was scared of what was going to be said. But then he started to talk about how he felt when he had lost someone special to him. How while everyone meant well, he didn't want to hear the well meaning words. He didn't want people telling him how to grieve, even though he knew they were just trying to help. And I thought wow he gets it. That's how I feel. 

He went through Paslm 23. Is it strange that no one ever read that to me. Or explained it to me before? Maybe they have and I was hurting and don't remember.  I've read it and heard it read. But not explained. I loved the way he explained what it meant for me. As I sat there I could feel the anger that has been apart of so much of my grief this year lift. All the guilt of not being able to protect my babies. Of not being able to give them a chance at life. The regrets of not holding them longer of not kissing them more of not taking more pictures. The anger of being lost of not having more time. More memories it all lifted. I felt lighter and a little shocked about the way I felt. But it was good. 

I also realized why the devil was so much at work in my house today. Because he knew what hearing that message was going to do. What it was going to release me of. He knew that it would be a personal healing experience and he wanted to keep me in my anger, my guilt and my regrets. 

I'm so glad I won today. There have been times where so much as went so wrong on a Sunday morning that I threw my hands up said forget it and went back to bed. But not today. Today I pushed foward and today it mattered. Today I won. 

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