Monday, January 20, 2014

Family Ties

My due date with my girls has past. 01/17/14. It wasn't as bad as I thought it may be. I think that's because I would have never made it to that date. My girls would have been born at 36 weeks at the latest. So my due date was a date to go by for development but was never an actual goal or delivery date. Jason and I spent the day together. Paid some bulls. Had lunch. Talked a lot. We don't get the chance to talk just us much and Haleigh actually took a nap in the car so we were able to just talk a while. Having 5 kids and dealing with the loss of 3 more takes it's toll on the body and mind. It also takes it's toll on every relationship you have ever had or will have.

The relationship Jason and I had before baby loss entered our life is nothing like the relationship we have now. In a lot of ways we are better. We are stronger. But we have a lot more communication problems than we use to. I find myself not saying things that I need to say because I don't want to argue. Except sometimes it needs to be said. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings so he holds stuff in too. Then there are parts of us that just wanna be near each other and sometimes when I'm lying with his arms around me I feel our babies wrap their love around us. 

I wish I would have spent more time with my grandparents. You just don't realize when you are 14 years old how important your grandparents are. Now that I'm 31 I know and it's too late ( for most of them). My grandmother was resently in the hospital and now in a nursing home for long term care. She cries for her baby sometimes. I wonder if she had a baby loss that we don't know about. My (step) grandmother Henson had a picture on her wall of a baby girl, I was told it was her daughter. She died as an infant. I wish I could talk to her. My great grand mother miller lost a child at 5yrs old. I wish I could talk to her. My grand mother Walker lost her 5 children in a divorce. She wasn't able to see her kids for years. I never understood these women's heart ach until now. My family and I didn't understand. I didn't lose my children until after these women had passed away or have not the ability to share their stories with me. How I wish I had them by me. But I know they are watching my children in heaven. Taking turns rocking them. 

My mother never lost a child. However she has lost 3 grandchildren. I don't have any grandchildren so I can't say for sure how a grandmother feels. But I imagine that the love you have for your grandchild is as close as it comes to the love you have for your child. I know it's hurt her watching me hurt. I know she would do anything to give me my babies back. She and my dad help me take care of the grave where my children rest. They helped me plan their funerals. They helped me raise money to buy headstones. They are taking care of their grandchildren in heaven the only way they can. Just as I try and take care of them the only way I know how. 

I wish I could say that since their due date has passed that I think about Faith and Hope less but the truth is I think of them more. And I miss them. 


  1. Beautiful, I know wot u mean bout grandparents I wish I hadnt taken them for granted. Xxx