Today was a rough day. I really think it was because I was forced to sit down and think. I woke up this morning at 730 so I could jump in the shower and then get ready for church and to visit Joshua. But my shoulder blade felt like it was on fire. I couldn't even lift myself up. I got Madalyn to bring me some water and Motrin and she being such a great child cooked everyone breakfast then settled them down infront of the new ice age move. T
The Motrin helped a little, but I still was in a lot of pain, but pushed through and got up although I couldn't really get dressed because I couldn't lift my arm high enough. So in my PJs I stayed.
Not only could I not get dressed I also could not fold clothes, wash dishes, cook, or clean anything. So I sat and it gave me time to think and reflect. I didn't like it. I also did day 3 in the devotional book. It was good. Talked about avoidance and the different ways mothers greave. I realized that I do avoid things. I left church early to avoid the baby dedication, I try not to buy milk at Wal Mart Because its right beside the baby section. I scan through Facebook when people post pregnancy updates. And I avoided the hospital when friends have had babies. Now none of that is unexpected. Of course I don't want to go to those places but I will eventually have to. And I will need to. I will eventually be in the same room with a newborn boy who I will see and see Joshua. I don't have to push myself to be ok with any of it, but I have to realize I can't avoid this part of life forever. I don't know how long it may take for me to get up enough strength to hold another newborn. Especially a boy, but I'm getting there. I'm learning and I'm trying.
I do however get excited when I hear someone has birthed a healthy baby. As sad as I am that I don't have my child with me I know it has nothing to do with other people and their child. I would never wish this on anyone ever!