Friday, January 4, 2013


I lay in bed and wonder about all the possible outcomes for life. How any of us survive to adulthood is purely by the grace of God. And those that don't were simply to great for this world. I truly believe that Joshua was too great for earth. But I wonder what the possibilities would have been for him. Even if we would have been able to get to viability what kind of life would he have had. A lot and probably most people don't know what the water actually does while your pregnant. For starters it develops the lungs and kidney. Without the water to more around the arm and legs can become bound and cause loss of limbs or low function. There are mental handicaps like CP that could also result in not having water, infection is high for both mother and baby. But even with all that there are women that carry close to term, their babies spend a few extra months in the NICU because mostly of breathing and lung issues and then they go home and lead a mostly normal life.

I wish I could have heard him cry. Seen him smile. Made him laugh.

The morning after my water broke we were faced with the choice to try and beat the odds and know the high chance of Joshua being "not perfect" and even dying despite everything or being induced. I got to say I never thought I would have to make that choice. Things like this do not happen to people like me. I did what I was suppose to do. I didn't drink or smoke no drugs. I went to my appointments got my shots. Listened to my OB. I was suppose to be healthy.

My OB said I needed 48 hours of bed rest and antibiotics. If I wanted to continue being pregnant then I could go home and wait until I hit 23 weeks then I would be admitted into the children's hospital until delivery. I don't think I have ever prayed for God to show me what to do so hard in my life. I know there were a lot of people praying for us as well.

The next morning my OB is there to check on me and ask if we made a choice yet. No I tell him I can't do it. I can not choice anything. I tell him I don't want to do "this" anymore. Not long after that i start bleeding and I know God is telling me to let go that he's taking Joshua with him and I can't stop it. My OB explained that with the bleeding And contractions that we would have to stay in the hospital. Because I had a section before they had to be sure I was ok. After a few more hrs and a lot more heavy bleeding. We made the heartbreaking choice to let Joshua go. My dr gave me some meds to speed delivery because the bleeding had gotten worse he was worried about possible surgery. I got an epidural and 2 hours later Joshua was born.

Only God knew when I got my positive test that Joshua's life would be so short and that he would have so few possibilities. I never imagined I'd have to make the choice I made. It hurts that I couldn't lay there and be a success story. But God he knew from the beginning and he knows my pain, remember he too once lost his son. He knows the possibilities for my life and where I am headed. I pray it's better than where I am now.

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