If I was still pregnant.......

I know it's not good to think like that but I can't help it. I have thoughts like. If I was still pregnant I'd be 21.3 weeks and feeling him move more. And tonight as I was cleaning up after my sick daughter I was thinking, I would be trying to clean up after her and puking too if I was still pregnant. I thought about having a New Year's Eve drink but didn't because I should still be pregnant. It's after Christmas and we were going to order out cloth diapers around now if I was still pregnant we would be picking out prints for covers.

There is just so much we never got to do for him there is so much I want to do still its like my brain has not had time to catch up with my new world because sometimes I forget. I wake up with a hand on my belly where my growing bump should be. Sometimes I walk by the baby section and think I should go look. Sometimes I see his things and remember he will never use them. Sometimes I see his memory box and realize there is nothing more to add to them. That's it all the memories i will ever have if Joshua are in that box. I can't make new memories with him. He's gone and it sucks. I should still be pregnant. I could have handled being pregnant and a sick child. Bring pregnant and having Haleigh's surgery I could have done that. I could have handled being super busy and being pregnant. I could have been super busy with 6 kids. I would have been fine. All that I could have handled just fine. But this, this is not fine, this I am not doing fine with. This is not ok. This i can not handle. This is pain beyond explaining. I should still be pregnant.......