Another day

I had a pretty good day today. I guess my days sometimes run together. I am out of the fog and I have come to terms with the fact that no matter what my baby is gone. Haleigh say it today. "I want to see Joshua" yes baby me too I answered her. She doesn't understand how final death is. I told her he's in heaven and we can't go until Jesus calls us there. Then we will see Joshua. She was so looking to be a big sister. And she will always have Joshua as a little brother. But not the way we pictured it to be.

I feel like sometimes I'm at a stand still I don't know what to do with my time. I am really not sure what I use to do before. I mean I know I was tired and busy but I don't know what I did all day. I sit hear with my clean house and wonder what I'm suppose to be doing. I don't know how to get back to my life. I really don't think I will ever get back completely. I need something to do and I had decided to wait to start doing anything with the diapers until next fall when the kids restarted school, but I'm thinking now it may be a good idea to start now. So that I have something to do. There is just so much of my time that is left doing nothing and that's the time I have the hardest time.

It's been 6 weeks and now I'm just lost and I have no idea if this feeling is normal or not. I've thought about the face to face support groups but i don't know if I want to go and sit infront of people who I do not know and cry and see them cry. I am not sure that will help me. Then again the other people who do go, go for a reason. So maybe it would help.