Wednesday, January 23, 2013


I wish I was more like Christ when it comes to forgiveness. We are suppose to as Christians to forgive the way God forgave us.... Completely with an open heart. But I am not God I am human. I am flawed, so it's hard for me to forgive those who have hurt me, betrayed me, and turned from me. So what as a Christian am I suppose to do. Forgive anyway. As hard as it is for me I know I must.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that I will forget or that the wrong was not done. It means I am choosing to let God judge others and the wrong they have done but its not for me. I choose to let go of the hurt, the pain, and the anger that others have caused and give it to God. I don't have to be friends with them because I forgive them. I don't have to even speak to them or tell them I forgive them. I just have to let go forgive them and move on.

It's sad when you loose friendships, but sometimes something are just not meant to be. That's a lesson I've learned well over the past 6 weeks. Some people are not meant to stay in your life forever. Some people are only meant to pass through your life. And maybe return later. Sometimes maybe God is not saying "no never" but is just saying "no not now". It's hard to know the difference and unless you have a personal relationship with God it is impossible to know what he's saying and even with the relationship you need to really pray and then listen.

It's been hard for me to pray over the past 6 weeks. I prayed for 2 days for a sign in what to do after my water broke and he sent one. Then I prayed for God to some how make my baby the first at survive at 19 weeks but that was not to be. It was not an unanswered prayer. The answer was just no. And that's hard to understand. Because I know God wants me to be happy, he doesn't want me to hurt. Yet I'm hurting and sad. I prayed for the strength to hold Joshua and to bury him. I prayed to wake up from the nightmare I'm in. But after about a week I stopped praying and I'm not sure why. I am not angry at God. This was his plan. It is not something he did "to me". It was just part of the plan for my life. I don't know why my plan had to have such heart brake, and it's not for me to understand.

I have hope though that the sorrow in my life is over and that there are brighter days ahead of me. Not only for me but my whole family, we've been through so much, we need happiness, we need Grace.

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