Little Hearts

I know how much I hurt and how confusing all of this is for me a grown woman, I can only imagine how it must be for a child. They lost their brother and they don't know why. They understand less about the medical stuff than I do and they are hurting. My oldest child is 14 and she knew enough that when we left for the hospital the night my water broke that it was not good. She understood when we told her that the baby would die if we had to deliver what that would mean so when we told her we were having the baby she knew he would die. I think she hurt more because she understood. My 12 year old is more stand off. He like most men don't bond with kids before they are born. He didn't really understand that Joshua was gone until we had the service. He held him in the hospital but was instantly ready to leave. I believe that's how he has coped by not forming an attachment. My 9 year old has cried and tried to comfort me I'm not sure if he was crying because he lost a brother or because his mom was hurting. I do know that I saw a very rare caring side of that little boy and I know that if Joshua would have lived his brother would have always been there for him. He has asked why Joshua had to die and I tell him the truth. That I just do not know but that Jesus has him in heaven and we will see him when we get there. My 6 year old had been talking about everyone dying. Wanting to know when his dad and I will die and when he will die. I try to tell him I plan to be here a very long time but that no one knows when we are going to die. My 4 year old understands even less she asks all the time why Joshua had to die. I tell her I do not know. She asked me this morning if I was sure Joshua was ok. I asked her what she ment she said she wanted to go to heaven to check on him and make sure he was not crying and not hungry. It broke my heart. She so wanted her brother. She tells me she loves him. She looks at his pictures and kisses him goodnight. She would have been a great big sister. She would have hugged him to pieces.

There is just no way to really explain death to children. I know Joshua is watching over them and is our angel but honestly is rather have him here then as my angel. I miss him so much.