Wednesday, January 9, 2013

31 days

I ordered a book last week called ...Grieving the child I never knew ...

I honestly didn't know if I'd read it I was in amazon ordering Haleigh a game for her Leaspster and if you order 25$ shipping is free I was at 20$ so I decided to look around. I found myself looking at grief books and finally decided on that one. But I honestly can't tell you why it was that one I picked. Probably because it was 10$.

I got it in the mail today. I knew what it was and I didn't open it right away but I knew I had to before the kids got home and started asking what was in the box. I just say it to the side at first. Didn't even crack the cover and though how dumb it was to order it and that I could probably send it back.

That book staired at me all day. I finally decided to ready the authors note in the front and see what it was at least made of. It surprised me that the book I had ordered was not to just read its a 31 day devotional for anyone grieving a child. So I decided to read this woman's story and then do day number 1 and let me tell you it's not easy.

I learned a lot in the first day already. About grief and about myself. I'm hiding and it's funny because Jason and I were just talking about this yesterday. I don't like people. I am nervous that someone will ask about what happened or about Joshua and if I'm not prepared I will brake down. I am fine if Im the one who brings it up and I do a lot because I love to talk about him. But I'm scared someone is not going to know and is going to ask. So to avoid that I hide. I hate going places and when I do go places I become panicked. Hence the shopping on amazon. So I need to work on that slowly but it needs to be worked on and tonight instead of making up a reason I couldn't go (because I had planned on not going) I went to a meeting and you know what nothing bad happened. No one asked and everyone treated me normally no odd looks. So slowly because the meeting was just 9 people but its a start. Another reason I like this book is because it Ties in the bible and God into your grief and healing. As far as I can tell its going to be a great help, at least I hope it will.

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