Clarity

Since December 11th,2012 around 1015pm when my water broke I have felt somewhat drugged. In a fog or like I had a cloud around me. I'm thinking it was shock. Shock from the actual event and then everything that followed from being hospitalized to giving birth and Joshua dying. I really believe I have been in a state of shock for a month. I can't believe it's already been a month and yet it seems such a long time ago as well. I am grateful I was I the fog that I was in because if I hadn't been I don't know how I would have had the strength to do what I've done. And it's now becoming more painful to deal with Joshua's death. I'm missing apart of myself and in its place there is a hole that will never be filled.

If I had not been in shock I don't believe I would have had it in me to hold and bind with Joshua after he was born. Looking at his pictures are not the same I don't remember him looking the way the pictures look, but maybe that's because all I saw was my child. I even held him sitting in my lap while I ate dinner that night. I think back at how that must have looked to the nurses. I was even cracking some Jokes with Jason. I know NILMDTS has a picture of me smiling at Joshua holding him and she snapped it when Jason had said something but I can't remember what it was now. I can't wait for those pictures to come in the mail. I know everyone's emotions are different but I think sometimes "how did I smile at all" and I believe I have come to an answer in the past few days. I was in love with my baby and always will be. Yes it was terrible what happened but in those moments I was just spending time with my baby loving him and nothing more. The rest of the world was gone and I was just there in the moment with him.

I have thought more about what I did and didn't do and I know I made the right choice not to see him again the next morning even though I really wanted to I had said my goodbye the night before and I knew I'd never be able to hand him over again but I have thought about how that was my last chance and I said no. I know this is just mommy guilt, but it still just hurts.

I believe the meds I am on are helping me come out of this fog and my plan is to stay on them until June when I have my next appointment and then ask him about how to come off of them. I know I can't just up and stop talking them all at once. It will be 6 months from when I started and I think that's a good place to start getting myself back to a place where I don't need the meds any more.

I haven't been able to do day 2 in the devotional book yet. It will be taking me more than the 31 days to get through the book but I do believe it will help me. And in the long run will help me off the meds as well.