Wanting to forget Wanting to remember

It's hard to feel so torn all the time. I so badly don't want to remember anything about this experience it hurts and I wish I could wipe it all from my memory. But I never want to forget Joshua. The way he felt kicking away. The way I felt seeing him on the ultrasound. The way he looked with his blond eye brows and small but there eye lashes. I never want to forget the way his chin dimpled. I want to remember everything about him forever but I wish it didn't hurt so much an that makes me want to forget.

Joshua had perfect formed features. You could already tell what he would have looked like as a newborn. I saw a little of each of the other kids in him. So when I see Landon pout I see Joshua's chin when I see Madalyn smile I see Joshua's lips. When I see Aden sleep I see Joshua shaped eyes. When I see Collin with wet hair and can see his forehead I see Joshua's as well. When I see Haleigh with her white hair I see Joshua's white eye brows too. They are great reminders if him even though we have a lot of pictures of him they are just flat images. Not real my living kids are breathing real reminders so that I don't forget the good I had with him and so that I don't forget the 19 weeks that I got to hold him.