Tuesday

I Have decided I do not like Tuesdays. My water broke on a Tuesday so it's tied with a Thursday with bad days and Joshua's service was also on a Tuesday. 2 whole weeks since we buried my baby. It seems in a since like it has been such a much longer time probably because of how busy we have been with Christmas and New Years. And then in another since it seemes like it was yesterday. The pain is like it was yesterday. People keep saying it will get easier everyday well ya know that's a complete lie! My days have not gotten any better. The only thing that is better is my hiding tears and forcing a smile everyday. But the pain. No that has not gotten better. If anything it's worse. I miss him more everyday and my arms ache to hold him just once more. So there is no way it's getting better or easier everyday. That's just a complete lie!

I am however taking things one day at a time. I mean really there is no other way to do it you can't skip days. Although I have tried. I now do not make plans to far in advance you just never know what could happen between now and your plans. I've made plans my whole life. It's just who I am I am a planner. I make list, I line everything out for everyone in the house. I plan everything way before anything ever needs to be planned. Most of the time things go the way I have planned. Not everything always goes exactly as planned and there have been a few times I've had to make a new plan, but this is different. This time my plan was ripped out of my hands and thrown way and there is no other plan there is nothing I can do about it there is not a plan B. you can't plan ahead to bury your baby. You can't plan to grieve you can't plan to morn. You just have to live it day in and day out. You have to feel the pain and live the madness. And hope that one day you will wake up and your head will not throb as bad, that the tears will not flow,that your heart will not burn and that your arms will not ache. That day is not today and I don't see it being any day soon. One thing is for sure I don't see that day being a Tuesday or a Thursday.






Some people say you don't know what you have until its gone. I knew what I had I just didn't think it would be gone so soon.