How do you count time? In hours, in Minutes? I find myself with two different times in my life. There is the time before Joshua was born. Like our Disney trip over thanksgiving was 3 weeks before Joshua was born. Halloween was about 6 weeks before. The second time is the time after Joshua was born. At first I started counting my new time in days. I left the hospital on day 1. I buried him on day 5. I was alone for the first time on day 8. I went back to the cemetery for the first time on day 12 , Christmas was on day 12. I now find my self counting in weeks My fist trip back to church, my 1st trip by myself to the cemetery, and New Years all happen after the 2 week mark but before week 3. I wonder if I will start counting in months after the 13th of January. That happens to be my sisters youngest child's birthday party. And my youngest living child has surgery on the 14th. I'm hoping I will be too distracted to realize what actual day it is but I really doubt it. I'm sure that day will be no easier than any other day.
I sometimes wish I could just not go anywhere. I hate forcing smiles and faking laughs. But I don't really have a choice. No matter how bad I hurt, the world keeps turning and time doesn't stop. My other children are growing and I'm missing it. I'm only half here in the good moments and well the other times I'm not really here at all. I try hard not to zone out too much. And I try to listen to what they are saying and respond with kindness. But sometimes I wish they would just sleep for a while so that I didn't have to fake a whole day worth of smiles everyday. I get so tired of faking happiness everyday for the past (almost on Thursday) 3 weeks!!