Alone

For the first time since Joshua was born I'm alone. Haleigh is still asleep, Jason is at work and until 2 the other kids are at school. I feel alone. I don't like it at all.

Haleigh needs her sleep. Jason had to work. The other kids needed school. I need to not be alone. But I really don't have a choice.

I'm so tired, but I can't go back to sleep. I've started having bad dreams, dreams that are so bad I will not write them down here. The only way I can sleep with our waking up in a sweat crying is with medication. I can't do that forever. I don't know how to get the dreams to stop any other way though.

I have to go shopping tonight with Jason to finish Christmas shopping. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I hate going out in public it makes my heart race and makes my head spin. So there again I self medicate. I'm going to run out of pills before this gets better because if all the outings we have this time if year. Then next week we are going to my mother in laws house. I hope I can relax there. I really don't want to have to be medicated the who time but if I'm not at home I feel like I'm in a panic. I hate it.

I just want to go back. Go back 2 weeks ago when everything was ok. Back when I was happy and pregnant. I want to get out of this dream and go back to my real life getting ready for Joshua to be born full and healthy. Not this hell. Not this life I miss my son. I miss my life.

Today I'm Alone.