Thursday, December 20, 2012


Apart if grief is Anger. I'm not sure what that really means and who exactly I am suppose to be angry at. I'm not mad at myself there is nothing I could have done. I'm not mad at Jason he had been so wonderful and understanding. My sisters my mother my father all of Jason's family that I count as my own. Everyone has been here for me. While I do not understand God I know I. Am not suppose to understand why he does things still I am not mad or angry with God. I wish Joshua was still here and that God had not taken him, but there is no anger directed at God. But yes I am angry. I'm angry at people that should have been there for me people that everyone thought would be there but I have yet to hear form them. Even a week later I have heard nothing from them. So you maybe asking what kind of "friend" doesn't even leave you a message. Well apparently the kind I use to go to church with.

I have been apart of this church as a member for almost 4 years but have been attending for closer to 6 years. There were 3 people that commented that they were sorry for my loss. And 1 person that called me, but the person that called me I knew before going to the church I have known her for 8 years. So I don't count her as @"from the church". It's not like I was expecting them all to come over and sing to me but a text message, phone call, an unexpected meal, a flower at the service. Something to say hey we prayed for you. But nothing ever came. I thought it had the day if Joshua's service I missed a phone call from the church. I listened to the message and my heart filled with hate for everyone there. I defriended them all on Facebook and left the church groups on there too. So what could the message had said that would do that??simple. There was an older lady that died Monday. Her services were Wes. Night and then Thursday morning at the church. They called to see if I could bring food to the church Thursday for the family. I wanted to call them back and scream "what about me, what about Joshua" "what did you do for him" "was he not as important" but I didn't and I'm not going to. Maybe they are mad that I didn't use the church for services. But we don't have a preacher or anyone who could do a service. So I chose to use my sisters church and pastor who I have met 3 times and who came to the hospital to pray with me while I was in labor. No one came from my church to do anything.

I now count the people of my sisters church to be my home church and we will be moving my letter over there I don't want to be associated with anyone at the other church ever again.

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