Wednesday, December 26, 2012

What not to say

When a baby dies most people don't know what to say and don't realize that their "I'm sorry" " I'm thinking of/praying for you" goes a long way. And really is the best thing to say.

The nurses at the hospital or the funeral home should give out a list of thing to never never say to patents grieving a child. I've come across a few list and they just are not complete and some things on them I don't mind, like that Joshua is in heaven with Jesus. That is on a don't say list and while I can see that would not be something to say to a non-believer, for me it was a confront that others believed like I did that Joshua was being held and lived in heaven. So there are somethings that have been said that I just wanted to scream at people "really"? Something's that I don't even know how people would think it up.

1. You can have another baby.
Let me just say parents who have lost a baby do not want Another baby they want the one that is gone. They want the child that they can not have. They want the baby, the 2year old to potty train, the 5 year old to walk to school, the 16 year old to teach to drive, the 25 year old to watch as they get married the 30 year old that has a family. That's what we morn. Not just A baby in the cradle. It's the child we will never see grow.

2. Are you going to have another baby?

This goes with number 1. Again we are not thinking about another child. And we have not made up our minds. Joshua was planned as and still maybe our last child. We have been advised to wait at least 6 months before making any life changing choices. So we are giving ourselves a year before we make any choices on having another baby or not. No other child will replace Joshua.

3. What Happened?

Um... My baby died that's what happened. I am ok answering this now but the day of the service or the day it happened not so much.

Joshua was born because my water broke at 19.2 weeks and I went into labor 2 days later and it could not be stopped. I had no choice but to deliver him, Joshua was not still born. Joshua was born and lived for 3 mins.

Nothing we did caused this to happen and nothing we could have done different could have changed what happened. The chances of it happening again are 3%. There is no way to prevent it. There was no infection and Joshua was completely healthy and normal.

3. How are you doing?

This is a good question but if you ask please be ready for an answer other than "fine and ok" because I am not fine and I am not ok. Be prepared for answers like "I'm in hell" or " I feel like crap"
It's ok not to ask if in ok and just know that I'm not ok.

4. You look so skinny you have lost so much weight

Thanks. I'd rather be pregnant and fat!!!!!!!!! And I'm skinny because my baby died and I can't eat. I'm also not sleeping. But yeah I'm skinny thanks for pointing out that I'm not pregnant anymore.

5. You have 5 other kids just be happy and thankful for them.

Yeah cause I'm not already!? I mean really do people think that I'm not thankful for the 5 kids I have here with me and that I don't love them just as much as I did before? People do not have more than one kid because they are not thankful for the 1 they have. I'm not sure about all families but we had more than just one kid because we love our children and we wanted that love to show through or kids and because for me I love to teach and wanted to teach them about God and the world. To teach them as they grow to become something that the world needs.

I love my kids all 6 of them and just because we may choose to have another one in no way means we don't love the 6 we have or that we are not thankful for the 5 we have on earth. I am also so thankful for the 19.4 weeks I had carrying Joshua. I am just sad I didn't get more time with him on earth.

6. At least you didn't know him

I knew him. I knew Joshua I knew him and he knew me. I wish everyone would have been able to know him. To feel him move and kick. They didn't BUT I DID! This pain is no easier because my son died after only 3 minutes. I still hurt, I'm still a mom to a son who is in heaven.

1 comment:

  1. It is a good thing your faith allows you to accept the answer of his being in heaven is a comfort to you. I wish I could say the same as it may bring me some comfort...
    I have to agree with your list. Although my babies who were lost were at a much younger gestational age, I've heard all of them...and it's just wrong. When someone walks up to me and says . . . or rather doesn't say anything b/c they don't know what to say I "fill in the blank" by saying "There are no words". It has become my motto :(