Thursday, December 27, 2012
2 weeks
It was two weeks ago that I had Joshua in my arms saying goodbye. I miss him so much. i just don't see how i am not going to think of him and everything that happened every Thursday. Thursdays are just never going to be the same no matter what. I find myself more depressed on today. I just want to sleep and that's hard with other kids who want their mom. I dont know how to tell them that the mom who they use to have is gone and left in her place is a woman a mom who i don't know. I still play with my children and i love them just the same, but gone is the want to do anything other than sleep and cry. I don't want to plan anything and if it was not for Jason I'm sure we would be just home and doing nothing. I know Jason is going through things in his own way and staying busy outside the house is making him cope, but its driving me crazy. Right now we are gone to the hunting camp and going home tonight. but Jason wants to come back Monday and stay until Thursday. I am just tired and want to stay home, but if I'm home alone I get so depressed that i can't even wake up or eat. being alone I just cry all day. I really don,t want to do that. I After that the kids go back to school so it will be back to "normal" whatever that means. I don't like the word normal anymore. All there is for me is "Who I was before Joshua" and "Who I am after Joshua".
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Crystal honey, I've had all these feelings. Although our sons were totally different ages and circumstances, I could've written this post. It is OK to surround yourself -- and ask people to come over -- just b/c you don't want to be alone. It's not even that you want their company or for them to talk to you about trivial things, or even about Joshua - just having their presence in your home will keep you from crying. I am lucky in that one of Robert's friends do that for me...he was here nearly every night for the first six months just to keep me occupied with games of Scrabble or something to make me concentrate. Here we are, 19 months later and I still have days as you describe - and you know what? It's ok. A parent should never have to bury or say goodbye to her child--it's just not natural.
ReplyDeleteJust know you are not alone. You will find me more in the group on FB than being able to reply here, but you know you can always find me...and THAT purpose is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going...knowing I may be able to ease another mother's pain just by being a listener. <3 to you ~i~ fly high Joshua ~i~