Thursday, December 27, 2012
It was two weeks ago that I had Joshua in my arms saying goodbye. I miss him so much. i just don't see how i am not going to think of him and everything that happened every Thursday. Thursdays are just never going to be the same no matter what. I find myself more depressed on today. I just want to sleep and that's hard with other kids who want their mom. I dont know how to tell them that the mom who they use to have is gone and left in her place is a woman a mom who i don't know. I still play with my children and i love them just the same, but gone is the want to do anything other than sleep and cry. I don't want to plan anything and if it was not for Jason I'm sure we would be just home and doing nothing. I know Jason is going through things in his own way and staying busy outside the house is making him cope, but its driving me crazy. Right now we are gone to the hunting camp and going home tonight. but Jason wants to come back Monday and stay until Thursday. I am just tired and want to stay home, but if I'm home alone I get so depressed that i can't even wake up or eat. being alone I just cry all day. I really don,t want to do that. I After that the kids go back to school so it will be back to "normal" whatever that means. I don't like the word normal anymore. All there is for me is "Who I was before Joshua" and "Who I am after Joshua".