Sunday, December 30, 2012

Just another day.

Sundays aren't bad days. I actually like Sundays. I went to church today for the first time since Joshua was born. And since the church is only 2-3 miles from cemetery I went. It was the first time I've been with out Jason and I found it by myself ( Proud of that). We Ha really bad storms here for the past 3 days so the Angel my mom put out there and a lot of his other stuff was knocked over so I made sure I moved all the leaves and picked up and arranged everything. And I realized this is how I am taking care of my baby. Instead of changing diapers and breast feeding. I am cleaning off leaves and setting up angels and buying flowers for his grave. I wish I was changing diapers instead. I already have some that will never be used. I know I should give them to someone who needs one but I'm being selfish and I don't care. I have blankets and a swing and diapers and a few clothes and socks. Those are Joshua's and Im not sure if I will ever be ok with letting them go. He never wore them never touched the blanket but I bought them for him they are his things and I want them. Completely selfish and I am ok with being selfish.

I love my baby so much. No one will ever understand the kind of pain I'm in unless they have been there. Things were not suppose to be this way. Babies are not suppose to die. Mothers are not suppose to bury their babies and take care of their grave. Mothers are suppose to take care of their babies. This is not how things are suppose to go.

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