Confusion

That's the emotion of the day.

Confusion.

I don't understand why some people do the things they do and say the things they say. And why others don't say what's needed to be said.

Nothing can be said to make me feel better but that doesn't mean I don't want to hear from my "friends" I am finding out very quickly that I have very few real friends.

I read somewhere that we get disappointed in people when we expect them to do for us what we would do for them. I know there are people that have yet to contact me at all that I would have Been the first one at the door helping.

I do have great friends though they are few. The ones I have have called, they have text, they have left messages, they have brought us food. And made me feel less alone at all at just the right times with their cards. My and Jason families have been rock solid for us and that has been the best blessing through all of the sadness.

I know it's Christmas time and no one wants to think about death. Especially the death of a child. Do you think I do? I don't want to think about this at all, but I don't have a choice. This is my life. This is the hell I'm in right now and you don't have to like it or help me through it. One day I will not have to fake a smile one day my laugh will return and I will feel happiness again. When that time comes don't expect me to be ok with being around the ones who have turned from me. I will never be the same person I was before. I wish I could go back 2 weeks ago and be happy and be pregnant. But I can't this is my new life, my new normal. I am forever changed.