I really thought the day Joshua was born and died was the hardest day of my life I really thought no other day would be as hard as that one. Today I was proven wrong. Today I had to sit helplessly as my child was laid to rest. I didn't want to do it. If I could have just stayed in the car then it would not have been as real. I could have made myself believe it was not real. But they made me get out of the car they made me sit in a green chair and stair at the white box that held my child. I wanted to rip open the box and hold him myself breath life back into him give my life for him. I sat there helpless with my daughter on one side my husband on the other listening to the preacher read palms 139. I love that vs. and now it hangs on my walls a reminder that God is with me in my pain. Always. Then it was time to go to the church for service. It was nice and I have little memory of what was said and who was there but I know everyone that matters in my life was there.
My heart is broken. I'm broken, I'm broken.