Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Is it 2014 yet?

Yes I realize it's the 2nd day of 2013, but I'm expecting this year to be bad and I'm hoping for a fresh start in 2014.

We started 2012 pretty good and had a great family vacation that I will always remember. But then Joshua was born and died, so the end of 2012 was awful. And the start to 2013 has been painful. I'm tired. I couldn't keep up with the smiles and laughter today and just broke down. I think I probably scared Jason a little. I just wanted to sleep until the pain goes away. I'm know this pain is never going anywhere, I'm so depressed, I called my OB and asked who I could go to to get some help and he decided he wants to see me tomorrow morning. I'm guessing my brake down on the phone with them didn't help at all. I'm not sure what they will give me but honestly I hope it makes me sleepy. Keeping up with being happy is hard and makes me so so tired. Grief makes me so so tired. Crying makes me so so tired. And I cry all the time, I try very hard not to cry and brake down in front of the kids. I don't want to scare them but really I am having such a hard time keeping it together and keeping a happy face on. I don't know how to just be happy. I'm trying I really am.

It will be 3 weeks tomorrow. 3weeks. I'm I don't even know..... I'm just sad. I'm here and life is going on all around me and I just wanna shut down.

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