Thinking

I think all day long and it's so unhealthy. I sit and think about everything I've done in my life and I wonder is there anything I could have done to prevent this from happening. I come up with the same I don't know answers. But it doesn't help. I sit and search for an answer as to why this happened and I come up empty again. I've looked at the same research for weeks and it all says the same thing. I just feel like there is something else out there for me to know. The only information I have come across that I didn't already know is that apparently Vitamin C can help strengthen the bag of waters and taken along with Zinc and a diet in high protein has shown to reduce the chances of a second PPROM. I had been craving orange juice for about a week and had 2 unopened bottles in the fridge the night my water broke. People say you crave what your body needs maybe I was extra low on vitamin C. I wasn't tested for that so I'm not sure if that was even the problem. I know I am searching in vain for these answers. I know even if I find one eventually that it won't bring Joshua back. I am just obsessed with it. I can't think if anything else my brain will not shut off.
My dr said its a form if Post Traumatic Obsessive Disorder and that a lot of people have it when they go through a traumatic life changing event. I couldn't control what happened so I'm trying to control everything else. I keep the house clean at all times there are never any dirty dishes there are never any dirty clothes. Because that's something I can control. The medicine he put me on helps with this along with the depression so I'm hoping I can get a handle on my controlling issues soon. The meds are helping. I know it takes 2-4 weeks to work and I haven't been on mine for even a week but it has helped me sleep some. I even slept the other night with out dreaming. I am hoping to get to more nights without dreams soon and leave the nightmares behind. Maybe then I will not be so tired during the day. Not that I can sleep any better in the day time either. But one dreamless night this week is better than last week so I will take it.