Dealing with more anger today. I hate being angry it's just not who I am or I guess who I was.
I'm finding myself angry at medical research. I think the medical communities should have a better plan in place for moms who have the water brake so early (PPROM). There should be some kind of treatment that is better than what we have now. There should be a way to make your body think its ok so that labor doesn't begin and the placenta stays attached as it should be.
I'm mad that there was nothing me to do there was nothing for the doctors to do there is no treatments there is no action plan at 19 weeks there is nothing because there is no lung tissue to work with.
It's so hard to know that if I could have tricked my body into thinking it was ok and tricked it into not contracting that maybe I could have held on longer and maybe I would be almost 23 weeks now and headed into the hospital for more bed rest.
All these what ifs are not good for me but while looking for PPROM loss support I have instead found a lot of PPROM success stories making me feel like a failure. My body suck and Im made at it too. I hate that I started bleeding an had to deliver. I hate that I could not hold Joshua in another few months and give him a chance at life. I'm mad that I didn't have the choice to give him a chance. My body failed me it failed him.
I've told him I am so sorry. I told him the night he was born as I kissed his sweet bald head how sorry I was that I couldn't give him a real chance at life. I have told him after that too. Sometimes I sit and can talk to him. I know that may sound crazy to some people and to them I say..... Come back when you have lost a child and see how crazy it really is because I promise it won't seem so crazy to you then.
I haven't actually had a bad day today. I am just depressed and want to sleep. It was just me and Haleigh this morning so I did get a little more sleep and I stayed in bed longer than I really should have. But the kids are home now and even with a house full I feel empty. I feel as though life is going on around me but I'm not apart of it, not the way I use to be. Not the way I want to be. Maybe this med will help soon and I will feel apart if life again. I wanna live my life no have life live around me.
I don't want to miss my living children's lives either. It's so hard. I love Joshua so much and In a way I. Feel like if I let go of the hurt and the loneliness that I am leaving him like I'm letting him go. I don't want to let him go. Joshua is forever apart of me and if that means hurting everyday for the rest of my life I'm ok with that. I just hope that the pain subsides enough so that my living children can have some form of their mother back.