I completed day 2 of the devotional and I think this book just gets harder. But I know I'm going to need it to deal. Today was about disconnect and made me think about where my relationships are that I had before Joshua was born and where they are now. I can honestly say that I have made a point to disconnect with most people because its easier to be alone. After realizing that I needed my friends I reached out today and it was good. I know a lot of people don't know what to say to me though and it's sad that instead of trying they just don't speak to me at all. That is their choice though, and I will not be where I'm not wanted. I can even tell I have distanced myself from my family and that was not intended. With the fog I have been in I didn't even realize until today. Jason and I are actually stronger now that I think we have ever been. I had heard that a lot of couples get divorced when things like this happen and I guess I can see that happening if your not open and honest with how your feeling everyday. It's hard especially when Jason has had a hard day and I've had a good day or vice versa. But we have become really good at reading each other. I guess 13 years of marriage does that.
My kids are a little distant and I am really trying with them but it's hard to know when is enough so I'm letting them lead. I want to be happy for them so bad. I know they can feel my depression and they know I'm not the same as I was before. I'm just not sure if they like who I am now. It worries me that I may not be paying enough attention to them and their needs. Not physically I know they have their physical needs met. Rather their mental and emotional needs. I am not equipped to support them with that right now. I can't even support myself in those areas but I am trying and they know they can talk to me anytime about anything. I have made it a point to make sure they know that there are pictures of Joshua that they can look at, that we will be putting together a scrap book for him that they can help with and that they are always allowed to talk about him at any time. Sometimes their timing on its not great. Like Haleigh telling the dr at her pre op that her brother was in heaven with Jesus. The ped just looked at me and I said yes Haleigh he is. She is so proud to have him even if he is in heaven she talks about him everyday. She one proud big sister.
My parents and sisters have been amazing and have stepped back and given me space that I have needed so badly after all the togetherness that Christmas brought and I can honestly say I am happy to be seeing them tomorrow for a birthday party. I miss them. And it will keep my mind busy as tomorrow marks 1 month since Joshua was born. A whole month. I'm taking him flowers tomorrow. I hope he can see them from heaven.