Friday, January 25, 2013

6weeks 3weeks

Yesterday marked week number 6 since Joshua's birth. Man it seems like so much longer than that. I've been through so much that I never thought I would go through and still be standing. But I have made it to the 6 week mark and here I am, a completely different person, but still standing. I think about how my other children were at 6 weeks. It's not hard to think back to exactly 6 weeks because I always had my check up at 6 weeks. Madalyn was holding he head strong and eating a lot. Sleeping a little longer at night and awake most of the day. Collin was starting to wake up more but was still up every 4 hrs at night and I was so tired. He also had reflux. Aden had only been home for a week and I was so nervous with him and the apnea monitor. I was very protective. Landon was still in the NICU at 6 weeks and I will never forget the nurse who asked why I didn't bring the baby to my appointment. I told her he was still in the NICU and she had no clue what to say. Haleigh was already having blood work and test to see why she was still not growing and this is also when I found out my milk was making he sick. So 6 weeks with Joshua and he's not here do my memory will be what? That I am so tired, that I missed him today? Just is so unfair, that I don't get to make memories with him.

I didn't have a 6 week check up I went in at 3 weeks to get help. So it's been 3 weeks on the pills and I believe they are really helping especially with the obsessiveness. It's hard to explain how one goes from, not really caring that the house is always clean, to feeling like your coming out of your skin because a cup is dirty. I'm not sure why my mind decided to focus on cleaning as a coping skill but it did. I know that when I left for the hospital there were so many things that were on my to do list and they had not been crossed off that day. So the house was a mess. When I got home 4 days later the same clothes sat in a chair needing to be folded. There were dishes to be done the bathroom was a mess and my room looked like a bomb went off. And we needed to put up our Christmas tree. I decided to sit and fold clothes I didn't stop until they were all done then Jason vacuumed. We put the tree up and went to bed. The next morning the dishes were there and I did them. I washed clothes and matched socked. It kept me busy all day. By Monday every piece if clothing was washed, dried, folded and put away and the kitchen was always cleaned. My room was getting there. I worked like a robot for 3 weeks. When I went to the dr he asked me if I had any behavior changes and I told him about my cleaning. He said it was Post Traumatic Obsessive Disorder. It's all about being in control. Some people try to control their kids 100% of the time or their spouse or their job. My brain decided to control the cleaning. I have cleaned all the clutter and the house looks great. My meds have helped me in these last 3 weeks to resist the urges to wash dishes 16 Times a day or to wash clothes as soon as they are off my body. There are actually 2 loads needing folding right now. I'm proud that I was able to let go enough to sit and not fold them.

I still can't go without vacuuming everyday. But it's not 3 times a day. I still can't leave dishes behind and go to bed but I can leave lunch dishes until dinner. I still can't go a day with out washing all the clothes but I don't have to rush and fold while still warm.

I know it may sound crazy and that's ok. Because this is part of the new me. Part if my new life and my new normal.

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