Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Harder to sleep.

I've been sick this week. Generally speaking we are a healthy family. I believe Haleigh was introduced to some kind of flu while at the hospital. She was the first to be sick followed by Collin, Landon, Aden, Jason and myself. How Madalyn has not been sick is a mystery, but I hope she stays well. Everyone is getting better I still have a couch. Collins turned into an infection. But still it's not as bad as it was. I had no warning actually I was fine Saturday and I thought the kids were all feeling some better as well. Jason was at his worse that day though. But Sunday morning I woke up at 530am shaking from fever. It took all I had to get out of the bed and find some meds. 2 hours later my fever finally broke and I was able to sleep. My wonderful daughter came home from her friends house to watch the other kids so I could rest and just "be sick". I'm still sick but at least there is no fever. I'm just dizzy and can't sleep. Probably from the meds they don't say day or night time but they are keeping me up. I'm afraid of becoming dependent on sleep aids so I won't even take the night time meds. That may sound crazy but I don't want to need pills. And especially if I found ones that would make me not dream, I'd be hooked for sure.

I dream of Joshua all the time. It's impossible not to. It never goes the way it really went though. Sometimes he's born big, healthy, screaming. Just the way a newborn should be. Just as we are getting ready to leave the hospital the nurse tells me I can't have him home with me. No one takes babies home anymore she says. Sometimes it's all happy and those dreams are the hardest to wake up from. I like being in that dream. Holding him rocking him to sleep, but when I wake up those are the hardest mornings and my roughest days. Because I realize its all been a dream and he's gone. Some dreams I can't repeat because they are awful, those are the ones that make my heart race and I wake up in a sweat. Some nights I don't dream at all, because I don't sleep at all. I'm not sure if fear of dreaming is keeping me awake or something else but I've got to find away not to lie awake for hours in end only to never fall asleep. It's not caffeine I rarely drink anything except water, so who knows. Eventually I will sleep hopefully it's not at an inconvenient time.

I hope to feel good enough tomorrow to go see my mom. We are going to start working on a project. Hopefully that goes as planned.

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