Day 4

I completed day 4 in the devotional today. It really is hard to do them. Today was about how others have reacted and how I would have liked them to react and how I would like for others to act now. I have to say its made me realize how few friends I really have, but at least I know who my real friends are.

I'm excited about next week my mom and I are cutting out and sewing our first Teeny Tears Diapers. I haven't heard back from Children's hospital yet but if I don't I'm going to stop by with a few sets and my contact information. Maybe once they have it infront of them they will be more wanting to talk to me. I have been told Mobile Infirmary will accept the diapers and I'm waiting to hear how many sets they need per year. I want to contact Springhill and Providence as well. But for my healing I need to do Mobile Infirmary first. I hope this project turns into great healing for me. I know it's only been 6 weeks and in grief time that is really a short time. But I feel so drawn to do this. The hardest part I believe will be the actual donating of the diapers. The going to the hospital and talking to people and dropping them off, knowing the pain the mothers will be in. I hope in some small way they help the families feel attached to their babies and see them as a whole person. I saw Joshua as a full person. But I've read where others didn't see their baby as complete, I hope this helps with that.

I have to think maybe that's what other people may have thought about Joshua. being that I was only 19 weeks medically what happened was either a miscarriage or a Termination. Any birth before 20 weeks is called a miscarriage, but because I was given medication to speed up delivery (already in unstoppable Labor) my hospital paper work said "induced Termination, pregnancy complicated by preterm rupture of membranes" (nice uh)

Anyway I sometime feel since I was not further along or since Joshua was not "viable" (another term I hate) or since he never came home that other people don't see him as a person. That other people don't see him as a baby that was born and died. That his life was not important and had no meaning. I guess that's why these diapers are so important to me. They will go to another baby with a card that has Joshua's name on it. I want everyone to understand that he was real. He was a person, he was my child, he had a name! Joshua was important he had meaning. I wanna scream that sometimes. My baby's life meant something!! This will give him a greater meaning, this will help others see him as a person.