The 5th day of my devotion goes along the lines of what I wrote about last week.
Being too busy to think.
I thought of it as being a good thing. I could think of other things even if it was somewhat forced. But really it's not helping me to be busy as I can get. It may be helping me cope but it's also just pushing my feelings down and locking them away. I'm too busy to hurt most days. And those are my good days.
Why do I want to be so busy? So that I can forget even if its just for a little while. Forget the pain. Laugh and smile and maybe everyone is not thinking "poor you"
I need to be still and be with God, that though would mean I am willing to open myself to more pain and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that yet. I think though its why I have trouble praying now.
Time will never heal my wounds. God will. God is the only answer for healing. I need him and I need to pray and ask him to heal my hurt but I know that first I must tell him my pain that I must remove all the time and come out from hiding and trust him to heal me. And that's hard. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to open fresh wounds and bleed again.
I'm just not ready yet, to let God heal me. I know that may sound awful. As I know God loved me and wants only the best for me, and I trust him, but I can't let him be here for me the way he's meant to be here. I know he's not going anywhere though and will be there when I'm ready to pull the scab off and deal with the pain and the hurt and be able to heal.