I've had a really bad emotional day today.
My youngest baby girl has so medical stuff going on and has an infection now ( you can read her blog at Haleighstory.bligspot.com). I'm so overwhelmed at times with everything that I want to hide from everything. Today was one if those days.
I was thinking about Joshua and how hard this all would be if I was still pregnant. See as how I would be 29ish weeks now and that's about the time I start on bed rest. How would I handle Haleigh, infection and being pregnant? I'm not sure, but is like to think I could have handled it with Grace. My thoughts then turned bad. What if the infection doesn't clear up? What If I didn't catch it soon enough? What If something happens to her? What if I have to burry another baby? I freaked my self out pretty good. Don't ya think? So I cried and then I went to hide in the bathroom, I texted my family to pray Id have the strength to do this and cried some more. After that I felt better and watched more Disney movies. And I prayed. Really prayed for the first time in 8 weeks I really prayed. It felt really good to talk to God again.
Fixing lunch I was shaking from my nerves and needed to calm myself. It's difficult to do and takes some time, but after eating I felt somewhat better. I sometimes don't want my kids out of my site at all. I have a fear in the back of my head that keeps trying to come out, that my kids are only safe with me. They are not safe with friends or at school or alone. They are only safe if I'm there. I try to let them go. Like Collin is at his friends house for the 2nd night and Madalyn went to her friends house and is going to church with her in the morning since I can take Haleigh. Aden and Landon stayed next door last night and are mad because I wouldn't let them stay again tonight but I just couldn't let them go. I wanted them home. I want them all home every night and its so hard to say "Yes, go some where without me" but I know they need the time and independence. Just wish I trusted the world a little more.