I came to a realization today. And I didn't come to it alone. I realized a few things after a very short conversation and apology I received today. I am hoping everyone I know reads this blog post. Because it will be helpful to someone in the future. Read carefully.
When someone is hurt say something. Will you know what to say? Probably not. Will you say the wrong thing? Probably so! Will the person even want to talk to you? Maybe, maybe not. The point is to try. Reach out. I know that it's hard. Really hard. And I now know that a lot of people didn't contact me, or say anything to me simply because they didn't know what to say, they didn't know what was the right thing to do or say so they did nothing. And it left me feeling abandoned. This is not just about mothers who have lost their children. This is about anyone anywhere If some one you know is going through a troubling time, call them. Leave a message and yes they may not call you back but I can tell you that phone call will mean so so much to them.
There are no words when a baby dies. It makes no since. Like I've said before, babies are not suppose to die....ever. But this is a fallen world and they do. When that happens there are no words that can be said to the parents, there is nothing you can do that will make the tears stop falling or their hearts hurt less.
But you can make them feel loved and less alone. You can make a difference. It won't be easy. It's uncomfortable to talk about death. It hurts and makes you think about your own children. It's ok to call and start crying. It shows that you care enough to call even though it was hard. Call and say "I have no idea what to say" that is so much better than not saying anything. Even saying the complete wrong thing will be noticed that at least you tried and reached out. It will mean something to be thought of. Don't wait, do it while the pain is fresh and even though the calls and messages may go unanswered for months believe me the parents will look back and remember that you made an effort to contact them. It will show you love them.
I have felt abandoned through this by a lot of people and today I realized they simple may not have known what to say and instead of saying the wrong thing to us decided to say nothing and that was worse. But they didn't realize it was worse until it was too late.
I forgive you, to everyone who was too afraid to call me. To everyone who didn't know how to handle what happened. I forgive you. But please learn from this. Please be aware that I was very hurt and lost and didn't know where to turn to. Please do better next time because believe me this world is not getting better and there will be a next time. It may not be a baby that dies, but there will be a chance for you to be there for someone to way I needed someone to be there for me. When that time comes be that person that calls. Be the strong one that cries with a child who is hurting, be the one to reach out and show the love you have, and tell them they are not alone.