Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Being Sensitive

I've always tried to be sensitive to other people and their pain. The pain of loss is like no other. Wether it's a loss that you expected because maybe someone had been sick or if its an unexpected loss of someone who had been healthy. Loss hurts and I try to be understanding but sometimes I just don't understand people.

First I never compare my loss of Joshua to any other loss. Even my other losses. Because each one is different. My loss is different than yours and while we may find common ground they are not the same and can't be treated as such.

Second just because we may share common ground doesn't mean we need to bond over it. I may seem like a very open person. I mean hey I'm writing in a public blog for the world to read. But honestly I do this for me, it's a way to get my thoughts straight and work through my feelings.

I feel bad that I feel the way I do about some people and their losses. I think it's because I have had early pregnancy loss and a baby die that I see these things as very different. Don't get me wrong my early losses hurt and I grieved those babies. But to a lesser extent of course. I understand how if that is the only loss you've ever had how it can be life altering because the reality is that, that baby you wanted and you had dreams for that baby as soon as you find out they are on the way. I know I did. I always felt a connection with my babies as soon as their were 2 lines on the stick. But when I lost those babies early I cried and I missed them. I wondered what they would have been.

But I didn't hold them in my arms.

I didn't know if they were boys or girls. I didn't see their faces and kiss their heads. I didn't burry them and have to say goodbye. I don't have a box full of pictures and a news paper clipping. I only have a stick with 2 lines and 2-3 weeks if hoping things would go good. But with Joshua I have those things. I had 15 weeks if knowing I felt him kick, I heard his heart beat. I saw him move around on the ultrasound. I saw him suck his thumb. I saw his sweet face and kissed his feet and hands. I held him as he passed away. I visit him in the cemetery.

So yes, for me it's very different. My losses at 6 weeks were nothing compared to the loss of Joshua. I can't imagine the pain of loosing my sisters or parents, but I know the pain of loosing a child. The one thing your suppose to out live is your child. No one should have to burry their babies, it's not the way life should work. This fallen world is truly upside down and our only hope is God.

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