Monday, February 11, 2013

Something Good

I never imagined I would think something good would come out if something so bad. But it has. Things have a way of doing that.

I have in the past thought I had "the worst day of my life"

The first time I thought it was honestly the day I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I was only 15 so I thought my life was over. But she saved me. I was going down a dead end road and I believe I would have ended up addicted to drugs or dead. My daughter saved my life.

I then thought I had the worst day of my life the day Landon was born. He's my 4th child. That day was very traumatic for me. I was alone for a while, then had to have a C-section, then my baby was taken away I was in pain and left alone again. I didn't see my baby for 4 days and my pain level was beyond any thing I've ever felt before or after. Then for the next 2 weeks I watched him fight for his life. But it made me a stronger mother, and a better wife.

My 3rd time was after Haleigh was born. I really had no idea what was going on with her and I had fears she would die. Either from cancer or not growing. I held on to her everyday in fear it would be the last. But it made me not take any day for granted. And love deeper.

Then came Joshua, making every other bad day I've ever had look like a great day. In a way I would rather relive any other day bad day than the day Joshua was born. Then again if I picked that day I would get to hold him again. So I think I would pick that day. I would do anything to hold him again. And if I had the chance to relive any day Good or bad I would selfishly choose the day I had with Joshua simply because it was the only day I ever got or ever will get with him.

Somethings are good that have come out of all this though. I look at my children and see miracles everyday. I look in their eyes and see their souls. I am closer to God. Even though I am still having trouble praying the way I use to, I feel closer to him than even. I have a better understanding of Love and Forgiveness. My relationships that I have held onto are stronger. And my Marriage is rock solid. I'm getting my self healthy and i am a more peaceful person. All because of Joshua. He did so much for me, with just the thought of him and his perfect little round head I smile.

1 comment:

  1. So much meaning. And I can't come close to knowing the way you feel but I will say Joshua changed the way I think and feel also. I think he changed a lot of us:) The second I found out all I wanted to do was run to you as fast as I could and sadly I couldn't get there and it still bothers me so much, but I know what I felt that day doesnt come close to what you felt. That being said made me realize that moving away from yall and family isn't worth anything offered. I love you.