Time

Time heals all wounds. That's what "they" say. I however believe that is a complete lie. Time has not helped me heal. Time is not a friend to me anymore. Things change with time and my feelings and pain have changed, but its all still there. I've gotten better at hiding my pain with time, but the pain the wounds are still there still open. So time hasn't helped me at all.

I do think about time a lot and today I went to the cemetery and moved the leaves off Joshua's site I thought about how over time the leaves I move will go from being brown to green the yellow and back to brown. And I wonder how else things out there will change. I know it will look a little different when we get the headstone placed and if someone else is buried close by. But for the most part things over time will be the same our there. I thought today that I would be 28 weeks now and that would have been time I needed that Joshua needed to grow and develop. I would be bigger. I would be feeling him roll around in me. He would be around 2 and a half to 3 pounds now. And while we would have had 12 weeks left until my due date I feel comfortable enough with premature babies that i know if my water broke now he would have made it. He just needed a little more time. Time that I couldn't give to him.

I don't have much time left with my other children either. I feel like I'm running out if time with them. In 4 short years my oldest will be finishing high school. And then every couple years after that another one will leave. I'm not ready to let any of them go. Time is not slowing down. It's not giving me extra to grieve my son while still allowing me to enjoy my living children. Somedays it hurts to much to be a mom. To be the kind of mom I use to be. The kind of mom I want to be. The mom I won't get to be for Joshua. Life has a way if tricking us into believing we have more time. That we have time to be together. That we have time for tomorrow, when really all we have time for is today. Today is the time not tomorrow. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. The more time that passes the more I miss him. The more I long to hold him and kiss his sweet face.