Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Not Doing So Good

I guess maybe you could tell from yesterday's post that I was not in a good mood or that something was wrong. Well, you'd be right. Yesterday I recieved a message saying I was "dwelling" on Joshua's death. That I should "get over it, move on maybe just get pregnant" and the kicker "she lost her dog a few months ago so she "knows" my pain". So yes I was to say the least in a bad mood yesterday.

I don't feel like I'm dwelling on Joshua's death too much. I miss him. And that's not going away. I think about him all the time. And that's not going anywhere either. It's not even been 2 months. I don't see how anyone can say I should feel normal again at all. This new normal is not so great though. It's rough I got to tell ya. I wish u could go back. I even wish sometimes that I was never pregnant. Then I wouldn't know this pain. I know that may sound awful. It feels awful.

I've started to sleep a lot more. I'm not sure if I was left to just sleep if I'd wake up at all. I was left today. Jason figured if I was sleeping I must need it. Haleigh finally had enough and woke me up around 1pm. And I was still feeling tired. Maybe it's because I've been so sick. Maybe it's because I didn't get any sleep over the weekend. Maybe it's because I'm depressed. Maybe I was just tired. I really don't know what it is. I feel like I should be happier. I know I have a lot in my life to be happy and thankful for yet I can't focus on happy things as much as I'd like to it just doesn't come easy to me.

My sister wrote a blog about trusting Gods will for her life. It's somewhat of a comfort to know that I'm not the only one that struggles with that daily. I use to do what I wanted and had life planned. Then I decided to lead the life Christ wanted me to lead and let me tell you it's hard! It's even harder when what you know God wants you to do is not what your doing. Right now I do something everyday that I know I should not be doing. It's wrong and I know God doesn't want me doing it. But I am scared so I do it anyway. I'm not ready to follow Gods plan right now and I know that's wrong. But like I said I'm scared. I was following Gods plan when Joshua died, I can't take that again.

I prayed and listened for a long while about birth control and I believe God doesn't want me on it. We have been careful in our actions, but ultimately we have been lead to let God plan our family. It's not been all wonderful. We've had multiple early losses and multiple pregnancy issues including preterm labor and deliveries. And then of course the pPROM I experienced with Joshua. It's all cought up with me now and it's scared me back to birth control pills. I take it everyday and everyday I feel it's not right for me.

I've always said and I know that no one is ever promised a perfect healthy pregnancy or baby. And I've been on both sides if it. From taking home a full term healthy baby, to taking home a box of the only memories I will ever have and everything In-between I've had those experiences of not knowing I'd your baby will be ok or have long term issues and nothing has scared me into taking birth control like Joshua's death has.

I believe that God will not give me more than I can handle but at the moment I also believe I'm at my limit and he has complete faith in my ability to over come this, the problem is I don't have that same faith in myself. I am just hardly getting by and surviving through this, if I was to loose another child in anyway I am not sure I'd make it. Would God put that on me? Does he think I could handle that? I don't know if he does or not, and I'm too scared to find out the answer. So for now I rebel against God. I search for answers about what it all means and I pray I am shown the way and given the strength to follow what I know is right. And to leave my fears at the feet of Jesus.

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