Friday, February 22, 2013


I have feelings of overwhelming love sometimes. And sometimes it's hard to express it in words or even in actions. It's even harder since Joshua died.

I tried so hard to show Joshua a life time love in only a few hours. I hope that he felt how much I loved him in the weeks I carried him and in the hours after his death.

But I can't help but think "did I show him enough. Did I kiss him enough? Did I count his fingers and toes enough? Did I hold him enough? Did I take enough pictures? Did I spend enough time with him? Should I have spend another hour with him? Another day?"

I can't change it now but I hope I did it right. I hope he felt how much I loved him and how very much wanted he was.

So I try to show my other children just how much they mean to me. I try to make sure they realize that I love them more than anything. I try to spend more time showing them how much I love them and more time interested in what they are doing. I hope they know how I feel, but I can never be sure.

I try to express it with my husband my mom and dad my sisters. But sometimes it's hard to explain just how much they mean to me and how empty my life would be without them.

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