Thursday, September 5, 2013


I picked up my book "grieving the child I never knew" yesterday its a devotional book that i started and never finished after Joshua died. I have also been reading "empty cradle, Broken heart" that book makes me feel sane and a little more normal.

I decided to turn in the devotional to the anger chapter. I still have a lot of anger I've learned that guilt is often self directed anger. And yes I am angry at myself too. Thinking I could have done something different although I did everything I could. So I probably need white out for the page with the questions. Your suppose to write God a letter and tell him why you are angry. I wrong " I'm just Freaking Pissed off" yeah I'm sure that's not what was meant to be written there. But it's how I feel.

I am trying to deal with all the anger. I'm not sure I really know how though. I have tried to just not be angry and that makes me even more just mad. My other book says that if you find yourself stuck in a stage of grief you may need to talk to a professional. Reading that mad me mad. But what else is really new I was already mad. I'm not really sure 3 weeks of being in anger is what one would call stuck. And since grief has no time time how does one know they are stuck? Needless to say my devotional didn't go well. And I just quit. 

I so start 2 new small groups this week. Sunday begins the new Sunday School season I'm excited about getting back into Sunday school. It's been a while. Then on Wednesday the new women's study starts. I'm excited for that too. I'm hoping through these two small groups to form closer relationships with others in my church.  

I am a little disappointed that I know starting out I will miss the 3rd week of both due to my scheduled surgery. I will have the books though and can read through so I'm not behind. I shouldn't miss anymore than the one week though. And I may actually feel ok to go on Sunday seeing as my surgery is on a Monday. I guess I will just have to see. 

I'm really hoping these small groups can help me with some of my anger issues. 


  1. Crystal, I too REALLY struggled with the anger "stage" of grief. I went through a long period of time where I was angry at everyone. One day I was reading a book and there was a section about letting go. And it said something I will never forget..."Life is unfair." And I finally got it. Life is hard and cruel and terrible at times for everyone. Everyone thinks their life is unfair no matter how much other people may envy them. I started doing this thing every morning... I'd write down everything I was angry about and at the top I wrote "Life is unfair!!" And then on another piece of paper I'd write down all of the things I was grateful for or happy about and write "Life is a beautiful gift." I did this for about 6 weeks and at the end I read through the lists and realized that the "Life is unfair" list kept getting shorter and also the items changed often, whereas on the "Life is a beautiful gift" list, the items were more constant. It made me realize that most of the things we're angry about today won't anger us in the future. Either they go away, we forget or we grow and our attitudes change, or something amazing comes along and gratitude replaces that anger. Just remember it's okay to be angry. Your life is not perfect and you're only human. Big Hugs to you!

    1. Thank you, thats is a really good idea. I amy use that in the future.