It's been so different than with Joshua. When Joshua was born, my heart broke. It was in completely in pieces. I hurt. From the day I had him and for months after I physically hurt. I went in and out of anger and sometimes in the beginning I walked around in a fog, but most times I just hurt.
Being pregnant again was healing. Even though it ended badly it was still a healing experience. When the Girls were born I hurt, just as deeply. But I believe my mind blocked some of the pain, I don't believe if I would have processed what was happening I would have lived. I honestly believe, I was in shock and was numb for a while. That's what my brain had to so to cope with such a great loss. That's why I could smile and joke, the night the were born. That's how I took all the pictures I did, that's how I kissed them good bye.
Anger has been really hard. I've tried to focus all my anger on the medical community for not having better treatments in place for pPROM and preterm labor. For not being able to save my babies. It's their fought. I also carry with me guilt. And the fact that even though I did everything I could it wasn't enough. My best sucked! And I'm trying to find a way for that to be ok.
Guilt is anger directed at yourself.
Being numb has taken a while, but it has worn off more and more each day. And I've smiled less and been more stressed. I feel like I did in the beginning with Joshua. I feel like my heart has been crushed. That however doesn't mean I'm going backward in my journey through grief. It actually means I'm moving forward. That my brain is now able to handle some of this hurt. That its not pushing it away and ready to deal with some of it.