Friday, September 20, 2013


Choices we make with our heart.

  We go through most of our lives making choices with our hearts. If we really sit and think about it. Playing sports, marching in the band, Dance lessons, we either made the choice or our parents did when we were little, when we are old enough we continue to do these things simply because we love them. We watch the sports teams on tv that we watched based (mostly) on what our parents watched, we are attached to the memories and that team, we make the choice to watch with our hearts. Who we date, who we fall in love with, who we marry, when to have children, sometimes even where to live. Most people make those choices with their hearts. Never thinking about what could really lie ahead. 

Choices we make with our heads.

After we live for a while in the real world we start to make some of our choices with our heads. While we may still make some with our hearts, some are just not that easy. We have to move for a job, leaving the place where we thought we would live forever. That choice is made with our heads. Stop playing the sport we love or dancing because of an injury. That choice is made with our heads. Who we allow into our lives and that of the lives of our children, that choice is made with our heads. 

Wanting to follow your heart, choosing to follow your head.

There are just somethings that you much allow your heart to make your choice and then there are others that you must make the choice to follow what your head is telling you even though your heart tells you different. That is how I feel. 

I want to make sure everyone knows that no one is pressuring me into having a tubal, but myself. Jason yes agrees with me, but he is not pressuring me to have it done, I could tell him tomorrow that I changed my mind and he would accept that. Other people who have asked about it, they are not pressuring me either, and honestly even if they are trying to make sure I go through with it, the opinions of people who I haven't asked for do not matter to me at all. If the did I would only have 3 children. My doctor is not leaning one way or the other, he has given me complete facts, not his feelings and if I want to back out he would not blink and eye. 

If I was to follow my heart to would have called it off already, I love being a mother. I knew from the time I was very young that I wanted to be a mother and I wanted a lot of children. If I was to follow my heart, I would tie the top of my cervix closed in a major operation in NJ, and then try again to have a live birth. 

I have to follow my head. My head is telling me that I have 5 living children who need their mother. They need a mother who is here for them, not off getting surgery to try to have another baby, not a mother on bed rest for months. They also don't need any more loss in their lives, neither do I. I know better now that no life, no day is guaranteed to us. Each day is a gift from God, but tomorrow is promised to no man. My head is telling me that My heart and theirs can't take anymore of this, and that makes me sad. I have broken my children's hearts and I can't do it again. So I am following my head to not have anymore children. I am making the choice and I am sad about it. 

Losing and burring another baby is scarier to me, than never having another live birth. 

Praying before you choose

I have been praying for 5 weeks about is this what God wants me to do, and ya know what, I still don't know. If God doesn't give you an answer what do you do? Go with your head? Wait? Is God telling you to wait, is that his answer? I honestly do not know. I have some peace about my choice, but a lot of it I think is relief from the fear of loss.(I am also afraid of surgery), Did God give me that peace? I dont know. What I do know is that 2 little metal clips (one on each tube) is not going to stand in God's way. If it is in his plan that I have another child then I will, that makes my choice to have a tubal void and then I am only really doing it for peace of mind. Right? 

I can tell you that unless I catch pneumonia from sitting in the rain and wind tonight at the football game, I will be having surgery on Monday at 1230pm. I can say I am sad and that is OK. I can say that I am at peace with the decision I have made and that I am and will be OK. I can say that this has been a hard choice to make and I wish I didnt have to make a choice at all. I should still be pregnant after all!

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