Some days are better than others for me, I have been having more better days than bad days, however I am still having some really bad days. I have things that bother me. Triggers some people call them, that make me feel worse, or make my day a bad one.
Complants, I cant stand it when people complain about the kids that they chose to have. I use to do it too. Say how tired I was because I had 3 kids up and sick all night, but now I think of how lucky I was to have those kids to be up with that night. And how in this great thing we call life how short one little night of no sleep really is. Heck, how short a few months of no sleep with a newborn are. I don't understand how people can be so ungrateful for what they have in their arms. Be grateful for the sleepless nights, the days of colic and the long long days stuck in the house with your baby. You have no idea how many women including me who would trade the pain I feel now for your sleepless days and nights.
Then I think I am so glad the one complaining have no idea this pain and still live in a world where bad things don't happen to good people. Living in a world where if you are a good person, and you eat all the right foods, see all the rights doctors, have all the right test, have faith in God that everything will work out for you, that bad things happen to bad people, good things happen to good people who follow all the rules. I wish I still lived in that world with these people who complain. I wish I could still complain and not have my heart be crushed.
I am carful. I am carful to hold my hand on my mouth when I want to complain about being too busy, I am carful to not get angry when the kids don't sleep well, when they are sick and need their mom, when they are sad, when they are just being needy.
I am thankful, I pray that one day every mom will be as thankful for the things I am thankful for. I am thankful for my children's lives, I am thankful for every softball tournament that kept me at the ball park until 2 in the morning. I am thankful for the next morning of being back at 7am. I am thankful for every cub scout campout. I am thankful for every football game, Every early morning waking up to get them to school, every late night studying for the big test, or forgotten about project. I am thankful for ever fight I have ever had with my children, I wish I would have been thankful enough at the time to just stop fighting and hug them. I am thankful for every day I sat in the hospital next to my children. For every copayment and doctors appointment. Every late night ER visit. Every single payment I have ever made to keep them healthy and to keep them happy. Every long car trip to special doctors. Every late night sitting up crying because I didn't know what to do. I am thankful for it all. Its a beautiful thing to be a mother, and I am sad that not every mom sees it as a blessing the way I do.
I am sad I will never have another blessing in the form of a child. But, that in no way means I am not thankful for the ones I have here with me and the ones that have gone before me. I have 8 children who I am thankful for. I know some people may not understand how I am thankful for death, and I am going to say that is not easy. I would much rather have my babies here and be thankful for no sleep. But that is not my reality. This is.... I am thankful I have things that I can prove my children were here, and they were real. I have pictures, I have footprints, I have memories of them. I felt them move. I watched them grow inside me. I saw their hearts beat on the screen minutes before they were born. They were alive, they were here, they mattered. I am thankful God chose me to be their mother. Some people are not equipped to be mothers to angels. I was sure after Joshua was born and then died that I would die, I didn't see anyway i would live though that pain. Then I lived through is birth, Then the day after I woke up, I woke up the day after that and the one after that and after that. I dont know how I got through the first few weeks. I go back and read what i have written here in those early days and I am not sure who the person is that wrote that. I was in such a fog. After a few months the fog lifted and began to believe I would live through the pain of losing my son. It would be painful, but I could do it. I didnt have a choice I had 5 kids counting on me. When I found myself pregnant with the girls, I believed things would be ok. The things that happened to me would not happen again. I was a good person and I did all the right things and everything would be ok. Then it wasn't ok. Even when things looked really bad I prayed and believed my girls would be ok. I cried everyday for a week before they were born, I believe that helped me cope with their birth. I was mad I was angry that God had chose me to be their mother. I didn't want to be the mother of more Angels, I wanted them to live. I believed if I prayed enough and wished it enough and believed it enough that it would be so. That I would wake up pregnant or that they would live somehow. I wanted to be the mom that rocked them to sleep not the mom that buried them. I am now thankful for them, I am thankful to be their mother. I am thankful that they felt my love, that they were born to a mother that would wrap them in blankets, hold them tightly and cover them in kisses. I hold their hands and rubbed their toes. Other mothers may not have been able to do that, so I am thankful they got that, even though its not what I wanted.
Some how this is what I needed, God doesn't really give us what we just want, he does however give us everything we need. We live in a world of sin, God didn't rip my babies from me, sin did. Not my sin. The sin of the world. I did nothing to cause this to happen, no one caused it, there is no one to blame, except there is evil in the would and we live in a fallen world, their will be heartache and pain until the day God comes back for us. I use to be sad that the world would someday end. I wanted it to wait so I could watch my children grow, so that I could grow old with Jason, so I could see my grandchildren be born. I think differently now. I am waiting, waiting for the day Jesus comes back and wipes me tears away, Takes me from this pain and world full of sin, and to a place where I will forever be with him, and my children. I know God doesn't take delight in my sadness. I know he never wanted this sadness for me. I just have to figure out why I needed to be the mother of 3 angel babies, and what good can come out of this. Everything can be used for the goodness of God. I'm not sure where the goodness is in this right now, I have been thinking on it and how I can make this a good thing. I come up empty every single time.