Visions

When you were small, do you remember what you visioned your life to be like when you were big? Is that how your life turned out?

I can say my life is nothing like I visioned it would be when I was small. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help sick kids. It didn't matter what kind of sickness they had, I just wanted to help them get better, and in my small eyes that is what doctors did. I also knew I wanted to be a mother. From a very young age I wanted to be a mother, and I wanted a house full of children.

I never imagined that 5 kids would seem like a small amount, I never thought 5 kids wouldn't be a house full. We had actually decided that 3 was full, then came Landon and then we knew we weren't ready to be done, then came Haleigh and we weren't sure. I felt for a long time that we were full with the 5 that we have, but as they grow older I realized that 5 is not a large number of children. It may have been when they were all 10 and under, but now that Maddie is 15 and Haleigh is creeping up on 5 years old. The house seems quieter. Seems bigger, their stuff doesn't take up near as much room as it use to. And I miss them being little. I was prepared to have another baby and then my heart was crushed. I was then preparing to have twins. Mentally it was taking a while and when it sat in I was just starting to look at matching carseats. When I was crushed again.

My Vision of the life I had planned never showed up, but I've always thought I had something better, that my life had turned out the way it was always meant to turn out and even if I never got to save sick kids, at least I get to help my own stay healthy.  I was giving my children life and that was enough. Until now, I just don't see how this is better. This is not what I wanted ever. I never wanted to have babies that were not savable, Babies that would never have a chance at life. I never envisioned that I would hold babies that had died, that I would burry them only a few days after their births. I never imagined I would be so unhappy all of the time.

This is not how my life was suppose to be, it wasn't suppose to turn out this way.