Monday, September 9, 2013

4 weeks

Today marks 4 weeks since the girls were born. Well in 15 minutes it will be 4 weeks and one day. So by the time this post it will be Monday.

I think about them on Sundays. How my Sundays would have been having twin girls. I had dreams of blond twin girls for years before I actually got pregnant with them. And of course they were alive in my dreams. It makes me think it was a mistake. That them dying was a mistake that they were suppose to make
It. That the dreams I have been having for 3 years was suppose to materialize. Bit God doesn't make mistakes and I know if the girls had a life plan longer than the 17.2 weeks that I carried them that they would still be safely tucked inside tonight. I wonder why I have such vivid dreams of these twin girls if I was never going to get to actually have them. It makes me mad and sad all at once. 

I've come to realize that grieving twins is much different than grieving for a single baby. Not just because there are two babies to grieve for, but because even though every pregnancy and baby is special. Twins are extra. Add to that specialness that they were a complete surprise and we were doing nothing to get pregnant, add in that they were identical meaning nothing we could have done could have made that happen. It really is just a fluke or God may be that gives you identical twins. No one knows what makes that egg split. I was preparing to not only have a baby, but have twins. I not only loss the pregnancy. But I lost the chance to feel two babies move around together. To parent twins, I lost the moment to be a mother to multiples. On top of that is everything else that I missed and will miss with Joshua. All the first. Everything all our plans are gone. I'm not sure how to "move on" from the plans we had made. To be parents again, then parents to twins, to now never new parents again. 

Joshua would be (if born on his due date) just turned 4 months old. I wonder what he would look like. I wonder what his personality would be developing into. I wonder where we would be. Would I be happier? Would we have moved? Would my other children be happier? What would my life be like if I didn't have to go to the cemetery to be with 3 of my children. Who would my older children be if they had not experienced such heart ache at such tender ages? Questions I will never get answers to. 

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