My feelings

So I was asked today if I was sad about having a tubal. The person asking had read my blog where I had said I was sad about it and wondered if I was sad the why would I do it. This person is a friend and it got me thinking. If she wondered maybe others were wonderig too. And I must not have cleared that up already. So here it is.

I am not sad about having a tubal ligation. I am sad about not being able to have more children. 

Now you may have read that and be thinking. What? You had surgery to not be again. Yes, yes I did. But that is not why I can't have children. That surgery is why I can't get pregnant again. It had nothing to do with why I can't have another child. 

Now your asking well if you can get pregnant then you can have another child right? Well... No, actually that is not right. I have no problem getting pregnant. I never have had that problem. My problem is staying pregnant long enough to have a child at the end of the pregnancy. I have had many early losses. Some only me and Jason know about. Some that are what is called a chemical pregnancy. Where if our home test were not so sensitive we would never know I was pregnant. Those while they were hard, were not as hard for me as losing Joshua or Faith and Hope. 

I realize that those early losses are harder on some women. And believe me I griefed for them, and I believe some women hurt for early losses just as bad as I did for Joshua, Faith, and Hope. But for me the pain was less with the early losses. 

I did have a tubal to not get pregnant, because there is nothing doctors can offer me (except major surgery in another state, and even then there is risk) to help me carry a child to viability. And that makes me sad. 

There are always possibilities for our future that we don't know about. I don't believe titanium clips will stop God, if that's his plan for me it will be. 

I think emotionally I needed this. I needed to know that I am doing everything humanly possible to prevent this from happening to my family again. My head knows that. My heart knows it's really not up to me. Nothing is. If it was up to me. I'd have Joshua he would be 6 months old. And I would be 5 months pregnant with twin girls. It would be hard. I would be tired. I would probably be complaining about how tired I was. And I wish I could be complaining about that. That is what I would have if it was up to me. 

So yes I'm sad. I'm angry still, but less so every day. I am thankful I am a mother. I am greatfull that I got to carry twins even though I didn't get to parent them. I am still the mom to Identical twin girls and they were so beautiful. I am still the mom to 4 boys and 4 girls. I love all 8 of my children. I regret none of them. I never will