I took a personality test at church on Sunday. I knew what type personality I was going to, have. I'm a planner, a thinker. Jason is a Doer, a leader.
I think my answers to some of my questions would have been different if I had taken that test a year ago.... Or 6 months ago. We were told not to second guess ourself write whatever answer felt right first ... It was different for me. One question was "do you seek out the sick to pray for". Well 6 months ago the answer to that question would have been "yes". The answer now is no, never. I don't like that, but its hard to change that.
I've lived most of my life off feelings. The gut feelings you get that tell you when something is right or wrong. I've always prayed and then felt that the answer to my prayer was whatever gut feeling I had. Not that everything worked out how I imagined it has worked out how God intended. I have a very hard time praying still and I don't know why. When I pray it feels different. When I talk to God it feels almost like I'm talking to myself. Or to no one at all. It's frustrating to say the least. I want to pray I want to feel close to God, but I don't know how to remove the wall that seems to be there that wasn't there before. My feelings on things have been off lately. I haven't been about to judge things the way I should. For example tomorrow I take my Haleigh back to see her surgeon and decide on another surgery. I have no gut feelings in if the next surgery is right and when it should be. I hope I do by tomorrow. I have tried to pray about it and I come up empty.
I know God has not abandoned me. I know he's there and is listening I just don't understand why I can't feel it.