A Year

A year can be a very long time, a lot can happen over a year. So much can change.

A year ago I never imagined I would be where I am in my life right now. School was coming to close another year. We were finally in a place we liked living. We were gearing up for summer. 9 months ago I was preparing for the school year to begin and planning all Haleigh's activities. Most of that I never got to. 6 months ago I was pregnant and happy. We were just telling our families about the new baby we would be expecting in the spring. I had gotten over the extreme sickness and started feeling normal. The kids were in school and Haleigh had her surgery scheduled.

16 weeks ago so about 4 months I ha to say goodby to my son who I never got to say hello to. In 4 short weeks heaven will have held him longer than I did. It will also be my due date. So I would be 37 weeks now. I've only ever made it that far once before. So my mind is saying. I should have a newborn. But my body betrayed me long ago and he is gone.

I wonder sometimes what his eyes would have looked like. You can tell a lot about a person through their eyes. I know they would have been kind.

These 16 weeks have been so different than I imagined. I stopped teaching Haleigh things. I just didn't have the energy to. I stopped checking my older kids grades on line and let them fall. I haven't paid a lot of attention to what I am doing. I go through the motions of the day with out engaging and interacting with the world. Some days I just feel lost in a world filled with people who don't see me at all.