I hate doing things the hard way. I would rather have things nice and easy. Unfortunately for me most things that are easy are either not worth it or its not the right choice.
For example it's so much easier for me to mail diapers than it is for me to hand deliver them. When I deliver them I have to talk to the nurses and while I'm ok talking to friends and family even when the catch me when my guard is down talking to the nurses is just different. Add that to the fact that I'm in the labor and deliver ward and pass the newborn nursery and the nurses are sometimes even overwhelmed and well I think that's enough to make anyone brake. But I feel I need to hand deliver the ones I can its very healing.
It would be easier for me to forget Joshua was ever here if I could. But I don't want to. We haven't been out to see him in 2 weeks. We are going Tuesday. We normally go on Sundays but the keepers had everyone move all the stuff except headstones and since Joshua still doesn't have one there is nothing there and it's hard to see it so empty, so plain. We are not plain people. I have been waiting until we can take things out but that seems like it may be forever so we decided to take live flowers on Tuesday. It's so hard to go when it's so plain but I know it's the right thing to do. It's hard to wait until we get our income tax back (big delay bigger story) to buy a headstone. But I know it's what we need to do.
It's also so hard to trust God in every aspect of life. But that too is something I know I must do. We talked about fear today in church and why we are afraid. I am afraid a lot. I'm afraid I will start to forget the way Joshua looked. I'm afraid that I've damaged my other kids. Death should not be normal for a 4 year old but for Haleigh it is. I'm afraid of what life might look like for me if I give up all my control and live the way God wants me to live and let him be in control of everything. What if its harder? What if I don't like it? What if I fail again? Well, God never promises it will be easier just worth it. God I believe says we won't like it (take up your cross). And we all fail everyday. So giving him complete control is not the easy thing to do. But it's the right thing to do. God takes care of the whole world he will take care of me. I'm just as important to him as the birds in the sky and fish in the sea. He makes sure they are fed and taken care of and I will be taken care of. I just have to stop trying so hard to take the easy way out by taking care of myself. And let God handle my life.